I love the Olympics. A niche sport that is now microchipping the crotch areas of athletes’ uniforms to prevent cheating? The logistics of sourcing three million bananas for 15,000 people? Daughters breaking records in male-dominated fields and facing adversaries after their Coach Dads died? Excellent advertising about waking up in the dark and making sacrifices? I consume all of it like a starved freak lapping at the crumbs of a chocolate muffin I’ll never get to taste.
I’m not going to tell you why the Winter Olympics is inferior to the Summer Olympics. I’m not unpacking why cheering on America brings me dopamine when nothing else about our country brings me pride right now. No, we came to this place for magic.
It’s time to talk about ice dancing.
A Quick Primer
Ice dancing and pairs figure skating are not the same sport. I haven’t done either, so I am not an expert. The Olympics website tells me ice dancing is the only figure skating discipline where no jumps are allowed. Think of it as ballroom dancing, but on tiny little blades on ice. Ice dancing is hella gossipy and hella messy and, as an added bonus, hella gay. All of my favorite things about sports!!!!!!
Undisputed GOATs of Sexual Tension (On Ice)
I was first introduced to ice dancing in 2018 through Twitter and the best to ever do it: Canada’s Tessa Virtue and Scott Muir. They started skating together when Tessa was 7 and Scott was 9. By the time they were teenagers, they were winning everything. Junior Worlds. Worlds. Youngest ice dance Olympic champions in 2010 on home ice in Vancouver. Most decorated Olympic figure skaters in history after winning in 2018. You get it. They were good.
But the Internet doesn’t lose their shit over good athletes. They lose their shit over athletes who are good, and hot, and good and hot TOGETHER but allegedly claim they are “platonic soulmates” and just “good at their jobs.”
The Cunniliftus Controversy
One of their lifts (in their Moulin Rouge routine that literally had Tessa flipping upside down and wrapping her legs around Scott’s shoulders, with her hands wrapped behind his head) was SO PROVOCATIVE they TONED IT DOWN for the 2018 PyeongChang games. The Internet, of course, called this The Cunniliftus, because the Internet is undefeated.
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The Secret Baby? The Break Up?
After they won silver in the 2014 Olympics and took a break from competing, some corners of the fandom were convinced it was so Tessa could have their secret ice baby lovechild, known as “Toddler Moir.”
The wildest bit? They are both married and have children with other people – Scott to one of his other former partners and Tessa to an ice hockey player – and didn’t attend each other’s weddings and don’t really talk that much anymore.
The Full 2018 Moulin Rouge Routine
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve watched it, because I simply do not know and now I can call it research for this article, so that number does not count.
Can you blame people for being absolutely feral about these two?! No, you cannot.
What To Know for This Olympics
This will be the first Winter Olympics in 20 years where Tessa and Scott (Canada), Meryl Davis and Charlie White (USA), and the French couple (unimportant) won’t take the gold medal.
Friday, February 6, 4:55 am ET, Rhythm dance (team competition)
Saturday, February 7, 4:05 pm ET, Free dance (team competition)
Monday, February 9, 1:20 pm ET, Rhythm dance (pairs competition)
Wednesday, February 11, 1:30 pm ET, Free Dance (pairs competition)
(Similar to gymnastics in the Summer Olympics, you compete as a team or country first and then as individuals aka pairs.)
See you on the internet,
Ariel